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The Patients of Joe

Letters from Users

Dear Drug of Choice Coffee,

westvirginiaI haven't ordered from you in two or three fortnights, as I voluntarily checked myself into a 30-day program. Alas, every day I dreamed of Drug of Choice Brand Coffee; every night I did the same. I will always cherish within (and on) my bosom the delicious flavors and aromas of "my little helper." I enclose a photograph of my two cups. Please send me five pounds of Costa Rican Sunshine - better make it ten - by special post.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Dee Kupps
Moundsville, West Virginia

Dear Drug of Choice Coffee,

brothersDespite criticism at every hand, my dear brother and I have been loyal users of Drug of Choice Brand Coffee for decades, since our college days, as a matter of fact. Throughout we have been subjected to every manner of poppycock, such as the scurrilous contention, even by some in the medical profession, that coffee can stunt one's growth. What balderdash! I send along a new-fangled daguerrotype of my brother and me (that's Boyd on the right) as proof positive that we have suffered no ill effects from our near constant imbibement of your quality product. Please, send us more product.

Boyd and Lloyd Lowe
Short Hills, New Jersey

Dear Drug of Choice,

rebeccaLet us herewith freely admit: we are all trying to quit, are we not? Not with any degree of success, but I console myself with the effort expended rather than the usually dismal results of my oh-so feeble attempts to break my addiction.

Recently however, I chanced upon a technique which I have found successful in reducing my consumption. It is quite as simple as changing the manner in which one pours one cups. I can scarcely believe I did not arrive at this simple idea years ago. It is as though a candle was illuminated above my cranium whence I chanced upon this modern new method. I have by these means reduced my consumption from perhaps a gallon per day to a mere ten cups or so. The painful burns are but a small price to pay. I enclose an instructive photograph for the benefit of your many users. 

Miss Rebecca Blackburn
Hot Springs, Arkansas

Dear Drug of Choice Coffee,

oldmanHow dark my life is. Every article I own, even my own photograph, for which I paid 35 cents - an entire week's wage, mind you - is festooned with rings from my constant companion, the coffee cup. I herewith vow to conquer my addiction, and very soon. In the meanwhile, please send me a final two pounds of Morning Bolus by overnight courier.

With deep shame - and gratitude for tomorrow's arriving shipment, I remain,

Mr. Joe Jeeters
Ringwood, Oklahoma

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In these challenging economic times, many across this land have turned to strong drink in an effort to cope with life's difficulties. At Drug of Choice Brand Coffee, we applaud this development. But please keep in mind the immortal words of our illustrious founder, J. Perkins Brewster III: "if you must drink heavily, at least drink Drug of Choice Brand Coffees." Do you have an important job interview tomorrow? Begin your day with Morning Bolus, perhaps followed by a bowl of Columbian Cornflakes (hold the corn).  Remember, "Coffee is good medicine."

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